The traditional version of the family structure is outdated.

And just as well, because it has opened us up to so much more love. In the modern family, we have relationships in which people mean a lot more to each other than their assigned roles. From best friends to parents, it has all changed, which means you have that many more go-to people. Find out what family means to others.

Speaking of family, it’s one thing that our cover star Kate Winslet isn’t willing to compromise on. She puts her children firmly ahead of her star schedule, which is nothing short of exemplary.

One thing that tends to stand in the way of spending time with loved ones nowadays, is technology. Why not get some perspective on how to balance your intake. And, on the topic of reducing things, we look at what you can do about your carbon footprint. Whatever you do, go out there and make a difference.

Jane McGroarty finds out more about anxiety disorders and how to cope with them…

Your hands get sweaty,your fingers tingle and your breathing gets shallow. You’re feeling restless, tense and jumpy. You’re struggling to concentrate and have feelings of dread. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone: anxiety affects roughly one in five people says Janine Shamos, a resilience therapist, lecturer and spokesperson for the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (Sadag).

But what is anxiety? According to Janine, ‘It’s a feeling of nervousness, fear or excessive apprehension in the absence of any real threat.’ Symptoms include feeling panicky, an increased heart rate, sweaty palms, a tingly feeling in your fingers, a feeling of nervousness or dread, shallow breathing and feeling like you’re having a heart attack. ‘If someone fears driving or speaking in public, for example, they will most likely feel that dread increasingly as the event gets closer and may feel ill or “out of sorts”,’ Janine explains.

WHAT CAUSES ANXIETY
Janine says the most common culprits include stress, excessive caffeine consumption, substance abuse, trauma and exposure to violence. But, she adds, there is a genetic component to anxiety so you may also be at risk if a family member suffers from it.

TYPES OF ANXIETY DISORDERS
• Generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) is characterised by inflated tension and worry without any apparent cause, leading to inability to sleep or relax, light-headedness, short-ness of breath, nausea, trembling, muscle tension, headaches, irritability or sweating.

• Panic attacks and panic disorders are when the sufferer feels sudden and unpredictable terror, which can become problematic if it makes people avoid situations they fear may trigger an attack. Symptoms include a rapid pulse, chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, nausea, numbness, trembling and a fear of going crazy or dying.

• Agoraphobia is a fear of being in a place (usually a public space) where escape would be difficult. It is often accompanied by panic disorder and is one of the most disabling anxiety disorders because it causes sufferers to avoid places they fear an attack may occur. In severe cases, an agoraphobic person will become so restricted they cannot leave their home.

• Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is typified by rituals, such as washing hands or compulsively and repeatedly checking things. People with OCD often have persistent and recurring thoughts, which can become obsessive.

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may occur after a particularly stressful event and often leaves sufferers plagued by frightening thoughts and memories. Symptoms include avoidance behaviours, reliving of the traumatic event and physiological manifestations such as difficulty sleeping, irritability and sometimes even violent outbursts.

• Social anxiety disorder (SAD) is also known as social phobia and is characterised by extreme anxiety about being judged by others or behaving in a way that may cause embarrassment or ridicule. It causes symptoms such as blushing, heart palpitations, light-headedness and profuse sweating.

HOW TO COPE
While anxiety disorders may not be life-threatening, they can limit a person’s social and work life if left untreated. ‘One important symptom or result of anxiety is that of avoid-ance – people start steering clear of anything and anywhere that may make them feel anxious.’

According to Janine, one of the first steps to coping with your anxiety is to admit that there is an issue and to know what situations trigger your anxiety. ‘There are treatments that are very successful, for example cognitive behavioural therapy. Also, there are changes you can make such as avoiding too much caffeine and salt, practising deep breathing and learning the triggers and first signs of a panic attack so you can stop the progression by breathing deeply and focusing on something around you,’ she says.

NOT JUST A NUMBER
According to the National Institute of Mental Health in the US, anxiety disorders affect roughly 40 million adults living there, which costs the country a whopping $42 billion (about R358 billion) every year.

Unfortunately, Sadag says there are currently no official stats on anxiety sufferers in South Africa. If you suspect you may be suffering from any form of anxiety, Janine recommends that you contact Sadag for more information or for a referral to a specialist.

Establishing a relationship with your child’s teacher is important for your little one’s development, says Bongiwe Nocanda

The important questions

What you should ask your child’s teacher:
• Is my child participating in and contributing to class discussions and activities?
• Does my child understand the important concepts of a particular subject? Are they experiencing any difficulties with the work?
• How is my child relating to their peers?
• Is my child meeting all their homework deadlines?

Taking an active role in your little one’s school-ing can be difficult, especially if you and your spouse are working long hours and struggling with stress.

In the evenings, most parents ask their kids how their day was and get routine answers, or half the truth. Many of us assume that a teacher will get in touch if anything is amiss.

But, depending on the school, educators can have as many as 30 learners in a class, and often many more. Between admin tasks and their volume of work, most teachers are unable to spend quality time with their students.

Tracey Wood, a social worker at Rondebosch Boys Primary School in Cape Town, says the only way to keep track of your children’s academic progress is to develop an open dialogue with their teachers.

IT’S IN THE DETAIL
‘Being involved in your child’s school life will give you insight into how they’re managing academically,’ says Tracey. Do you know whether your child is at the correct level of maths or grammar aptitude? It’s possible for them to scrape by but still miss the basic comprehension skills they will need later on. ‘You may find out one or two things from your son or daughter, but if they are not managing they may be hesitant to come forward, because they’re afraid they’ll disappoint you.’

And it’s the little things that become bigger problems later on. You don’t want to find out when they’re in high school that they’ve been lagging behind with maths and that many of the problems they’re experiencing should have been grasped in the foundation phase. This can cost parents thousands of rands in extra lessons. ‘When you can see the problems, you can address the issues early on,’ says Tracey.

FROM THE GROUND UP
It’s equally important that your child establishes a relationship with his or her teacher, says Tracey. ‘You should encourage this development and be supportive of the teacher’s role in your child’s development. Let the school know you want to hear about your child’s progress and would appreciate feedback outside of the term report.’

The teacher may have a different perspective about your child and you must be open and willing to hear what they have to say, says Tracey. Some-times parents aren’t prepared to hear about ill discipline or laziness because it requires action on the home front. It might be easier to place the responsibility for your child’s education solely on their teacher, but you need to understand that, as a parent, you also have a massive part to play.

FACE TO FACE
Tracey stresses that parents should make the effort to attend parent-teacher meetings, as they tackle your child’s personal performance in the classroom and on the playground. ‘Children need to know you’re willing to make the effort to hear about how they’re managing at school. Your child will know you’re thinking about them, that you are aware of the demands being made and the challenges they face,’ says Tracey. This is important for their self-esteem. ‘When you show an interest in your children’s schooling, you’re illustrating that you see them as individuals and are interested in learning more about them.’ It’s with this interest that you will come to know your child’s strengths and weaknesses – and find out where you can assist.

LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES
‘Significant changes in the home, such as divorce or death, are considered to be major traumas, so it’s vital that you inform teachers of such events,’ says Tracey. ‘When children are faced with up-heavals, they probably won’t function as they usually do. They may be more withdrawn, more aggressive, unable to concentrate and may not be able to manage the tasks they normally do.’

Tracey says that if the teacher is aware they will respond with greater understanding and empathy towards your child. ‘Having said that, you don’t have to divulge all of your personal problems. Assess what’s important and what may impact your child’s ability to oncentrate. Tracey says it’s always good for parents to communicate in an open and clear way with their child’s teacher. ‘Many behaviours can be better understood and dealt with appropriately when there is knowledge of what may be driving or contributing to that particular behaviour.’

PISCES
19 February – 20 March
If you’re looking for work, be optimistic. After that, restrain yourself as money could present problems.
In love, your instincts will give you the clues you need.
Your message
Ask for anything and the entire universe will be set in motion to get it for you.

AQUARIUS
20 January – 18 February

Money
Business partnerships and joint ventures are possible as you redefine your dreams. Making money is no longer the challenge; now you’re wondering how best to use it.

Love
No special effort is required before the 19th. Love finds you, asks you out and even pays. After that, you may be required to put in some energy. While you wait, decide what you want out of love.

At home
Watch your sense of humour – it may come back to bite you – but tolerance is already yours. Now you’re simply adding a little fun.

Your message
If you act as though you’ve been around for many years, everyone will accept that you’re the expert.

ARIES
21 March – 19 April
If you want love, you’re going to get it. Someone needs to make the first move, after all. At work, you haven’t yet figured out how to balance your personal life with those endless hours at the office.
Your message
Making money is a game you play with yourself. How much do you care about the outcome?

TAURUS
20 April – 20 May
The focus this month is on your career. Are you willing to accept that you deserve the best? Your patience levels are way down, so concentrate on yourself for now.
Your message
Acceptance need not be earned, it was there all along.

GEMINI
21 May – 20 June
Even if you’re not as successful as you’d like to be, the people around you are keen to help out. Look out for pay rises, promotions, travel or new opportunities.
Your message
The opposite of love is fear, so remember to work on loving yourself.

CANCER
21 June – 22 July
Your career path gets stronger after the 8th – for the first time in ages, you know what you want. There’s no point in making any romantic decisions now.
Your message
Treat yourself as you would an adored lover. You’ll soon see changes.

LEO
23 July – 22 August
Before the 19th, love and a wild social life keep you amused. You’re at your creative best, coming up with ideas and solu-tions that blow people away.
Your message
If you’re looking for love, keep a piece of rose quartz with you.

VIRGO
23 August – 22 September
You can’t expect anyone else to love you if you can’t love yourself, so treat yourself as you would a favourite friend. Everything’s fine on the career front.
Your message
The best way to get what you want? Practise, act with faith and do your best.

LIBRA
23 September – 22 October
Your personal planet – the one that exhales love, relationships, beauty and a social life – moves in on the 7th.  After the 20th, you can add in creative genius and experimentation.
Your message
Sharing tells the universe you’re provided for.

SCORPIO
23 October – 21 NovemberNew make-up, untried health regimes – you’re responding to the planet’s urge to transform you. Career threatens to take over, so balance is needed.
Your message
Your thoughts become your life, so what would you think about differently?

SAGITTARIUS
22 November – 21 December
You’re switching from independent loner to social animal. Just remember your money planet takes a short break on the 6th, leaving you to fend for yourself.
Your message
Meet as many people as you can. Everyone has more than one soulmate.

CAPRICORN
22 December – 19 January
Your focus shifts to home and family. Until mid-April, you’ll be finding your own path, but help can be persuaded to join you. The finances are doing well.
Your message
As soon as you believe you deserve the best, you’ll get it.

We’ve read about some celebs’ elaborate weddings, but what about the proposals?

PINK AND CAREY HART
She’s never been the most tradi-tional girl, so when Pink felt she was ready to get hitched, she took matters into her own hands. The muso proposed during one of Carey’s motocross races. She wrote ‘Will you marry me?’ on a pit board as he was coming up on his first lap. He dismissed her so she followed that up with ‘I’m serious’ when he came around again. Once he realised she wasn’t joking, Carey promptly abandoned the race to say ‘Yes’!

PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Millions watched as an ordinary girl wed a prince in a fairy-tale ceremony, but few know William proposed while on safari in Kenya. Well known for their love of Africa, the couple had gone on a hiking holiday with some friends. Wills had stashed the emerald and diamond ring that had been his mother’s in his rucksack and during a quiet moment on their private veranda he proposed.

MARIAH CAREY AND NICK CANNON
She cast him to play her love interest in a video for her multi-platinum album E=MC2. Mariah then shocked fans when she announced that they had wed after a one-month courtship. Nick had to propose twice because Mariah turned him down the first time. His first attempt was on top of the Empire State building, which had been lit up pink and purple to promote her hotly anticipated album. He presented her with a 17 ct whopper estimated at R20 million, but he was only able to put it on her finger when she accepted his second proposal during a helicopter ride over NYC.

DAVID ARQUETTE AND COURTNEY COX
Things didn’t start well for this couple (an omen, perhaps?). When David approached Courtney’s father to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage, her dad agreed but later tried to talk her out of it. For his proposal, David took the Cougar Town actress to a beach in Florida. While walking along the shore he asked Courtney to marry him. When she accepted, fireworks lit up the night sky. Sadly the couple separated shortly after their 11th anniversary.

CHARLIE SHEEN AND BROOKE MUELLER
Charlie had a tumultuous 2011, managing to get himself fired from his hit sitcom Two and a Half Men. But before things went pear-shaped, Charlie was married to real estate investor Brooke Mueller. He popped the question while they were on vacation in Costa Rica. The twice-married Charlie presented her with an expensive watch. On the inside he’d asked the jewellers to engrave ‘B – Wanna get married? Love C’. The couple are now divorced, but rumour has it a reconciliation may be on the cards.

SEAL AND HEIDI KLUM
When Grammy-winning soul crooner Seal decided to pop the question to German supermodel Heidi Klum, he really went all out. He had an igloo built on top of a glacier in the Canadian Rockies and kitted it out with all the mod cons an A-lister could need:
a bed, rose petals, candles, Champagne and romantic food. The couple flew to their destination in a helicopter and when they arrived, Seal asked for Heidi’s hand.Unfortunately they’re now divorced, but before their marital woes the songstress and her music exec ex were head over heels in love.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA AND JORDAN BRATMAN
Jordan whisked Christina away for a short holiday to Carmel, California. He had their room carpeted with rose petals and he wrapped presents with personally penned poems inside for her to unwrap. When she got to the last gift, there was a five-carat diamond engagement ring inside. Jordan promptly got on one knee and asked her to be his missus.

Don’t give up!
LENASEAS WON R100 000

IN THE AUGUST SUPERDRAW
Has the reality of winning R100 000 sunk in yet?
Yes, and I’m so proud. I’ve been with The Foschini Group since the 1980s and have never won anything. I’m very happy.

What are you going to do with the money?
I’m putting it towards home renovations.

You donated R100 000 to the Roman Catholic Church in Kleinvlei. Why did you choose them?
It’s my church and the funds will go towards improving the space.

What do you enjoy most about Club?
I love looking at the fashion spreads to see what is in store before I go shopping.

Do you have a message for Club readers?
Never close your account!

Congratulations to our October 2011 competition winners

RIMMEL DAY2NIGHT MASCARA
Herdien S, Bluewater Bay
Mabale L, Ga-Rankuwa
Malele PT, Tembisa
Mashabane KA, Spruitview
Mathebula T, Thulamahashe
Mdhluli M, Nasaret
Meiring C, Ruyterwacht
Mkhize P, Little Falls
Naki T, Judith Paarl
Parring DJ, Clanwilliam
Zwane S, Daveyton

TSONGA SLIPPERS
Mathabi ST, Thohoyandou
Mokulena TA, Rammulotsi

ADIDAS HAPPY GAME HAMPER
Khumalo SJ, Carletonville
Khuzwayo SG, Diepkloof
Killmann G, Benoni
Kweyama N, Umlazi
Mashokwe RM, Krugersdorp
Masiu M, Katlehong Ext 2
Mogotsi MS, Carletonville
Molefe SC, Woodlands
Ngesi SJ, Motherwell
Xegwana SN, Kwazakhele

REVLON NEW COMPLEXION OIL CONTROL HAMPER
Lefkaditis E, Primrose
Macheke DM, Botswana
Mangene T, Daveyton
Ngwadla N, Durban
Ntoza P, Uitenhage
Nxele S, Simunye
Simelane N, Soshanguve
Tsoari Se, Sebokeng
Van Tonder AC, Vanderbijlpark
Xaba PT, Embalenhle

EMPORIO ARMANI FRAGRANCE HAMPER
Breytenbach L, Delareyville
Fredericks L, Belhar
Hlazo NP, The
Duncan Village
Kgantlapane EB, Kuruman
La Cock R, Hermanus
Lephuthing CM, Sun City
Mafisa HM, Sebokeng
Nkosi MM, Ermelo
Sallie Y, Coronationville
Swart JJ, Pretoria West

YARDLEY FORBIDDEN LACE HAMPER
Benjamin LM, Bethelsdorp
Blose DY, Qualbert
Fynn DP, Durban
Hendricks SS, Davidsonville
Hoffman E, Polokwane
Magida NR, Kuruman
Mahlase E, Marishane
Mavuso JE, Embalenhle
Mohlanga TP, Kwamhlanga
Swela PS, Piketberg

L’ORÉAL VOLUME MILLION LASHES MASCARA
Adams W, Pniel
Davids F, Pietermaritzburg
Lesao PM, Jouberton
Mentor R, Sea Wind
Moolman GJ, Belfast
Motsepe KM, Morula
Msimango TJ, Standerton
Rampear K, Ixopo
Samuel Z, Kraaifontein
Spanneberg TG, Wellington

CK ONE SHOCK FRAGRANCE
Patel S, Lenasia
Shata M, Willows

TFG VOUCHER
Abrahams J, Lekkersing
Freeman DC, Bloemendal
Gillion J, Hawston
Lengau JT, Klerksdorp
Magabe S, Ekangala
Ngwenya RD, Tembisa
Nyawo N, Morningside
Pebane CW, Bushbuckridge
Siboble N, Wallacedene
Williams V, Eden Park

NU METRO VOUCHER
Chirambo LM, Soshanguve
Engelbrecht S, Grootbrakrivier
Hennop MC, Theunissen
Kawapirura S, Namibia
Loabile K, Ganyesa
Mabe AM, Saulspoort
Mavundla NA, Umlazi
Mckenzie R, Upington
Nanub J, Namibia
Shiko PM, Pretoria

DVD GIVEAWAY
Nyathi MZ, Heidelberg
Pietersen J, Paarl
September J,
Sherwood Park

CD GIVEAWAY
Hoyi NA, Port Alfred
Manuel NE, Atteridgeville
Ntsoane DG, Polokwane

BOOK GIVEAWAY
Chibase ME, Cw 2
Mokgosi F, Simunye
Sethole YJ, Kanana

SPAR VOUCHER
Boshoff CL, Kocksvlei
Cengani H, Montclair
Dlomo SJ, Scottsville
Engelbrecht A, Nieuwoudtville
Engelbrecht GS, Nelspruit
Engelbrecht P, Arcadia
Goso S, Diazville
Govender PM, Caversham Glen
Granville F, Edenvale
Hlatshwayo PH, Tsakane
Jackson IH, Yeoville
Jacobs K, Heiderand
Joubert JE, Onverwacht
Kahevita O, Namibia
Keyser C, Belhar
Kramer G, Gelvandale
Lekhoane TD, Camps Bay
Louw CJ, Suider-Paarl
Lubanga Z,
Mount Fletcher
Magale K, Rustenburg
Marenene NR, Welkom
Mdleleni MJ, Kokosi
Michael J, Namibia
Mkhonowane TM, Karenpark
Mojaki NE, Worcester
Moreki MC, Warrenton
Moremi MD, Maboloka
Moses R, Rosedale
Mosito MK, Magalies View
Mtshali M, Durban
Mutombo MM, Tzaneen
Nell W, Ruyterwacht
Ngemntu GM,
Gordon’s Bay
Nghifikwa K, Namibia
Nonjabe Z, Phokeng
Pakela NM, Welkom
Phera C, Lesotho
Radebe P, Sebokeng
Rasool Aj, Macassar
Sape Nr, Soshanguve
Seloro PT, Munsieville
Semekazi SB, Khayelitsha
Shoai NG, Mmabatho
Sibeko MJ, Pimville
Sitshaluza T, Johannesburg
Thinda MA, Hennenman
Tserawe H, Dobsonville
Tyizeka V, Katlehong
Van Wyk B, Goodwood
Zulu MG, Kabokweni
Zwane V, Krugersdorp

CROSSWORD
Viviers BL, Humewood

SUDOKU
Dent G, Linmeyer

WHAT THE STARS HAVE IN STORE FOR YOU IN JANUARY
By Linda Shaw

Capricorn
22 December – 19 January
Money
Your career’s on the up, but get the deals signed early because you lose your nerve (mildly) after the 24th.
Love Passion and romance
suddenly seem to involve much more effort and you realise how much responsibility goes into
a good relationship. The words flow much more freely after the ninth.
At home
Make sure everything is working because you can already feel the career energies building up. It’s going to be a busy year.
Your message
Your dreams are changing slowly as your intellect takes longer to adjust than your instincts.

AQUARIUS
20 January – 18 February
Don’t hold back on commitments. Work’s going well too and you’ll be offered some very interesting investment opportunities. Trust yourself completely and act on your own advice.
Your message
Happiness is something you deserve.

PISCES
19 February – 20 March
After the 24th, you have time to plan a relationship with yourself. Take a trip – even a weekend away – alone. Fabulous new career challenges await.
Your message
The universe wants you whole and happy,
but in its own time.

ARIES
21 March – 19 April
Advances in your career could take you by surprise, so get networking and sign up for a few courses. Work on keeping the peace at home. After the 24th, there’s more time for love.
Your message
Say you’re lucky and successful, and you will be.

TAURUS
20 April – 20 May
Conditions at work are improving. It may be time to re-inspect your loves because your passions have dimmed. On the other hand, there is a real chance of pregnancy this month.
Your message
Your mindset determines your lifestyle.

GEMINI
21 May – 20 June
Mixed signals are causing some confusion in your love life, so take a step back. Meanwhile, you’re pushing yourself way too hard
at work. Take a break and buy yourself something gorgeous.
Your message
You really need to trust yourself.

CANCER
21 June – 22 July
Your frustrations are building, so a spot of intrigue won’t go amiss. List your desires and indulge yourself. Career opportunities may improve sooner than expected.
Your message
If you can do something with a good heart, do it. If not, say no.

LEO
23 July – 22 August
The time has come to decide what you want. Meanwhile, if you want more intimacy, ask for it. Likewise, if space is needed, ask for that too.
Your message
Don’t look for the usual answers and prepare for adventure.

VIRGO
23 August – 22 September
You’re looking good: sensual, inspiring, even a little vulnerable – an irresistible combination. Money comes from unexpected sources. Say yes to all of them.
Your message
It’s time to take your power back and find your true self.

LIBRA
23 September – 22 October
Focus on a windfall that’s about to arrive and look out for a job change. If your energy levels drop after the 24th, try a few vitamins and an evening walk.
Your message
Give your expect-ations a more realistic tone and appreciate what you have.

SCORPIO
23 October – 21 November
A shopping spree is what you need, plus a new hairdo! New career opportunities are coming and this is your chance to fall in love with yourself.
Your message
Thoughts have energy. So you can afford to
be generous with them.

SAGITTARIUS
22 November – 21 December
A special project takes off, and now’s your chance to solidify your professional network. The object of your affection adores you more than you know.
Your message
Life works in cycles, like the seasons. Maximise what you’re given.

There’s something about the calender rolling over and flashing ‘2012’ that inspires us to change. Fran Werth gets two expert opinions on how to embrace it

It’s the start of a new year…
So that generally means out with the old and in with the new for most of us. Whether this entails spring-cleaning your house or setting personal goals and targets for the next 12 months, there are areas (four, exactly) of your life that should be at the top of your priority list. Here they are:

1. YOUR BODY

   Good health is much more than the absence of disease or illness – it’s a state of physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual well-being. ‘Think of your body as a communication system where there are interactions between these workings,’ psychologist Melissa Barnaschone says. As your body is the communicator, it will quickly inform you – by getting sick, run-down, tired or tense – when life is out of balance.

   Life coach Elizabeth Masson says that, when it comes to evaluating your physical needs, you have to be honest with yourself. ‘Ask questions about your weight, eating habits, exercise routine, sleep patterns and stress levels.’ It’s not easy to admit your shortcomings, but it could be the start of a new you.

   Action plan
   Elizabeth and Melissa agree that once you’ve asked yourself these honest questions,you should assess the gap between where you are and where you want to be. Then make the relevant decisions and commit to closing the divide. ‘Say to yourself, “I promise to…” instead of “I should really…”,’ says Elizabeth. While you are in the process, don’t forget that integrity, honesty, commitment and keeping your word are key to achieving your goals for the year.

2. YOUR MIND
   Keeping your brain fit will keep your ideas and outlook fresh and add to your longevity. ‘It’s very important to get rid of clutter and occasionally re-evaluate our thinking and beliefs,’ says Elizabeth.
   Honesty is vital when evaluating your mental needs. ‘Are there certain things you think or subscribe to that you actually don’t find favourable? Consider why this is happening. ‘If you don’t alter this, these thoughts or beliefs will become part of your life,’ says Elizabeth. Your mind is very powerful, so don’t ever be afraid to challenge it.
   Action plan
   Look at the beliefs that don’t fit into the life you strive to live. Consult a facilitator to help you to identify specific areas. ‘It’s difficult to see ourselves objectively, so a life coach can provide tools to manage yourself, your commitments and your stress,’ Elizabeth says.‘We fall into the trap of thinking “I must” and “I should”,’ Melissa says. ‘Stop trying to be perfect; rather set realistic goals.’
3. YOUR PURPOSE
   It’s vital to our mental and physical health to live a life of meaning. This is done by aligning yourself with your purpose and passions. ‘First we need to know what these are,’ says Elizabeth. Ask yourself questions such as ‘What do I do that I truly love?’ and ‘What activities or interests make me feel more alive?’ Melissa suggests conducting a self-awareness test. ‘Think about all the things that work and don’t work for you. This will help to build more of an awareness of who you are and what you want out of life,’ she says. You also need to be courageous when evaluating your passions and purpose. ‘The onus is on you to resolve the conflict and follow your passion,’ says Melissa.
   Action plan
   Once you’ve sifted through the things that make you happy and those that don’t, the real work starts. But don’t be scared, it’s really quite simple: ‘If you find something you’re interested in, do more of it’. Focus on the positive aspects, as well as rewards that come with them, and recognise those things that add nothing to your life. Implement effective time management and clarify your priorities so you meet your goals.
4. YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
   We are social beings. We have a strong need to belong and interact with those around us. Often our to-do lists become so cluttered that we forget to make time for the people we love. ‘Relationships need time and input from both sides to survive, and thrive,’ says Elizabeth. Melissa and Elizabeth both suggest that you sit down and define your relationships and what they mean to you. Ask yourself simple questions such as ‘How much time do I give this relationship?’, ‘How much time do I want to give this relationship?’, ‘What can I do to make this relationship stronger and more loving?’ or ‘What am I not taking responsibility for that I know I should?’ This will help you discover the relationships to nurture, as well as identify any toxic ones that should be ended.
   Action plan
   Setting relationship goals is vital as it re-energises your interactions with your family, friends and peers. ‘Honest, clear communication with ourselves and others about what we want out of a relationship is invaluable – this means that goals are set by each person involved in the union,’ says Elizabeth. It’s very important for all parties to take responsibility and commit to creating a stronger bond. It’s also crucial to set boundaries. ‘It’s very important to say “no”,’ Melissa says. ‘Those boundaries will help eliminate exhaustion and potential for the complete breakdown of your relationship.’

   Get book smart
   Put these five books on your wish list for 2012:

• Drive: The surprising truth about what motivates us, by Daniel H Pink (Penguin Audiobooks)
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful lessons in personal change, by Stephen R Covey (Free Press)
• The Power of Persistence: Real life stories of real people creating extraordinary results, by Justin Sachs (Inc. Motivational Press)
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We’ve all had that feeling of being watched. And mostly, it’s pretty harmless. But what if it turns into a deadly obsession?

In the early hours of 14 January 2011, a man crept up to a Clifton house as its residents slept and flung two bottles on to the balcony. There was a flash and flames leapt up to the roof as the perpetrator sped away. The bottles were petrol bombs, and written on a piece of tape on one of them was the name ‘Hannah’.

The man, allegedly, is convicted stalker Shumsheer Ghumman and ‘Hannah’ is Hannah Rhind, a 29-year-old public relations executive from the UK. This was just one incident in what has been a nightmarish saga for Hannah. Her ordeal began in March 2009 when she met Australian-born Shumsheer (32), a high-flying equity fund manager, at a dinner party. He offered to walk her home, they exchanged business cards and reportedly went on two dates after that. Hannah claimed to have had no interest in Shumsheer, but he began incessantly emailing and phoning her. When warnings to Shumsheer from Hannah’s father had little effect, she took the matter to the UK courts and in September 2010 he was convicted of harassment. Four months later, the petrol bomb incident happened. At the time of writing, Shumsheer was on trial in Cape Town for conspiracy to commit murder. It’s a scary example of what can happen when a crush turns into an obsession.

WHO ARE THEY?
To those who can take ‘no’ for an answer, stalking seems inconceivable. But a stalker does not have the
ability to hear ‘no’, says psychologist Dr Helgo Schomer. ‘They are unable to see a relationship as a two-way street. Instead, there’s an element of control and ownership. They feel they know what’s best for you and they’re entitled to claim you.’

Stalkers become obsessed with someone, whether they’re a public figure, acquaintance or a former partner. This can result in a menacing onslaught of phone calls, SMSes, gifts, emails, unwanted visits and, in some cases, violence. ‘They are emotionally unstable, with little anger control or self-adjustment – someone who will take rejection as a personal affront to be rectified at all costs. Where other people will move on, the stalker will become obsessive. And because they’ve put work into wooing and hassling you, they’ve invested time and effort, and therefore feel you owe them,’ explains Dr Schomer.A stalker is typically anxious, clingy and insecure, and they are often the product of an unstable house-hold. But while they feel affirmed, righteous or powerful, the victim is left to suffer tremendous intrusion, anxiety, embarrassment and, worst of all, they do not feel not safe.

‘I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS IN FOR’
When Crystal Thomson* first met Ryan Harris*, she thought he was a ‘decent guy’. This is her story:
‘In the beginning, he treated me well. But then he became clingy and stopped me from going for coffee with a friend from work. Slowly he started controlling me. He would say I should spend time with him instead. He’d try to prevent me from seeing my family, and when I told him he had no right to do so, he’d reply, “If you want to be married to me one day, you’ll have to do as I say”. Initially I accepted it – I thought it was because he loved me.‘Then he became obsessed with the idea that I may be cheating on him. He’d have fits of rage and drive me off somewhere quiet and threaten to kill me if I didn’t confess. Later he would apologise and say it would never happen again.‘When I eventually split from him, he began harassing me. Some days I’d have 50 emails and 100 missed calls on my cellphone, so I had to block his number. His message was always, “Please come back to me, I’ve changed”, or he’d threaten to hurt me and my family.‘Eventually I met him in a public place and asked him to stop. I told him I would take legal action if he hurt anyone in my family. After more harassment (the final straw was when he drove into the back of my car when I was out with someone else), I went to court to fill in forms for a restraining order. In the week or two leading up to the hearing, he spent nights outside my house in his car, revving the engine. I was totally freaked out and felt helpless. I didn’t want to leave the house. ‘I now have a restraining order against him, which means that I can call the police if he harasses me and they can arrest him.’

WHAT THE LAW SAYS
On 16 August 2011, the National Assembly approved a Protection from Harassment Bill, which gives you the right to demand protection from the police. However, its effec-tiveness will only be tested when it’s put into practice as an act, says criminal lawyer William Booth. It will also rely on the way magistrates and police deal with complaints.The law defines harassment as behaviour that will either harm
you or make you feel threatened by someone. This is what it includes:

• Following or watching you, or hanging around places such as your home, work or place of study
• Trying to communicate in any way with you, or someone in your family or social circle
• Sending you letters, emails, faxes or any other forms of messaging.

The bill has the potential to extend the reach of security. Prior to this, people being stalked by someone they had a relationship with could rely on the Domestic Violence Act, but there was no safety for those unfamiliar with their stalker. Victims inundated with phone calls, SMSes or emails also had no options, unless the content was insulting, bigoted or physically threatening. And worse yet, if someone followed you or watched you day and night, but never physically harmed you, there was no recourse.
*Names have been changed

Stay in control
If someone is stalking or harassing you, Dr Schomer suggests trying the following:
• If you’re receiving repeated phone calls, blow a whistle into the phone. By saying ‘Hello, hello’, you’re reinforcing their feeling of being in control.
• Let your loved ones know what is going on. The more you keep it a secret from them, the more the perpetrator is winning.
• If a stalker approaches you in public, confront them loudly.
Be assertive and make your message clear.
• If you’re being followed, do not lead them to your home. Go to a police station or phone your security company for back-up.
• If you feel the need, go to the courts for assistance.

Spotting a stalker
While many appear charming and hide their possessiveness and controlling qualities at first, you’ll notice that a stalker can’t take no for an answer. They’re also likely to be clingy, wanting to know where you are and who you are with. Not all people with these qualities are stalkers, but these are good warning signals.

Useful click
www.stalkingvictims.com