Not everyone will like you all the time, but what if no one likes you most of the time? Susan Erasmus went looking for some answers.

Linda wants to buy a special dress for her sister’s wedding, but her budget is limited and she has a few extra kilos to hide.
So the shopping expedition is not exactly easy.

At the first shop, the assistant makes Linda wait, looks her up and down in a slightly critical manner, and then comes over to hear what she’s looking for and how much she is willing to spend.

She tells Linda it won’t be easy to find something that would hide her hips. She also looks unenthusiastic about her budget and, in a bored fashion, produces a few garments that are not suitable. She clearly has not been listening carefully to what Linda has been saying about colour, style and price. The result is that Linda ends up feeling awful about herself and her financial situation, and begins to doubt whether she’ll even find a date for the wedding. She can’t wait to leave the shop and silently vows never to return.

The shop assistant has not only lost a customer forever,  she’s also proved herself to be a thoroughly unlikeable person.

WHAT IS LIKEABILITY?
The Oxford Dictionary defines ‘likeability’ as pleasantness or being easy to like, while Merriam-Webster defines it as having qualities that bring about favourable regard.

‘Being likeable is extremely important in life, not only in one’s social life and in close relationships, but also in a working situation,’ says Prof Michael Simpson, a Pretoria psychiatrist also known as Health24’s CyberShrink. ‘How people respond to you initially can affect your life in many ways.’

As for first impressions, a good one is not necessarily enough to sustain a positive reaction, he says. But it does count.

‘This is part of our evolutionary heritage,’ says Prof Simpson. ‘There are situations in which, to protect ourselves, we have to make quick decisions based on instinct. Some-times we assess people incorrectly in a social situation, but we can rectify that later when we have more experience on which to base our opinions.’

But being likeable is definitely not always simple…

SO HOW DO YOU DO IT?
The shop assistant did not listen to Linda and insulted her, making her feel inadequate, unimportant and poor. Using her as an example, the following lessons can be learnt:

• Smile. This is always a good start, as it makes people feel you are on their side.
• Be inquisitive. A friendly question (such as ‘What brings you to our shop this morning?’) would have given Linda an opportunity to tell the story of her sister’s wedding and why it is important to her to look good on that day.
• Listen. A good listener is worth their weight in gold. Such a person will pick up details like the limited budget and the worries about the hips.
• Boost them. People need reassurance. Saying something such as ‘I am sure we can do something in that price range’or ‘I think I might know just the style that would suit you beautifully’ would have made Linda drop her guard and feel more at ease. So why do some people react so badly in social situations, especially when meeting new people? ‘Being defensive is often the first thing we do naturally,’ says Prof Simpson. ‘Likeable people manage to get others to drop their guard and come closer. People who behave in an unlikeable manner are not always aware of how off-putting their manner is.’

Tim Sanders, author of The Like-ability Factor (Three Rivers Press), advises practising the following if you’re trying to boost your likeability:

• Friendliness – your ability to communicate liking and openness to others
• Relevance – your capacity to connect with others’ interests, wants and needs
• Empathy – your ability to recognise, acknowledge and experience others’ feelings
• Realness – the integrity that stands behind your likeability and guarantees your authenticity.

All of the above is easier said than done, though. Realness and empathy are not feelings you can pretend to have over any extended period of time. They have to be sincere.

‘It is extremely important to be genuine,’ says Roné Gerber, Cape Town psychologist. ‘People very quickly realise when you’re saying things just to be liked.’

Prof Simpson also stresses the need for you to like yourself before you can like others, and that people should not get too familiar too soon, as this may make the other person feel threatened.

JUST DO IT
Here are seven things everyone can make an effort to try and accomplish in order to be more likeable:

1. Sort out your own esteem issues
Why Because if you think nothing of yourself, you’re going to use social situations to constantly boost your self-image. And you’re going to do it by making other people feel inferior to you. This is no way to go about being liked.

How
Let go of unrealistic notions about yourself. Make peace with who and what you are, and learn to like yourself. If you don’t like yourself, how can you expect other people to?

2. Make eye contact
Why It makes the other person feel noticed and important. This is essential when you are speak-ing directly to people. A public speaker who stares at the ceiling all the time is going to lose his audience. The same goes for personal conversations. But be careful of the fixed stare as it can be off-putting.

How
Look someone directly in the eye, but smile slightly at the same time, otherwise the action could be seen as aggressive.

3. Watch your body language
Why A large portion of what we communicate has little to do with what we say. Our body language says it for us. If you cross your arms, or lean back when you meet someone, you are creating a barrier and a distance, whatever you say. The same message of disinterest is communicated by looking over their shoulder, or interrupting them.

How
Respect the other person’s body space, but lean forward slightly. Make sure your body movements and gestures are open. Mirror what they are doing. Don’t get too familiar though – what you say and do must be appropriate to the situation.

4. Show interest
Why To most people, they themselves are the most interesting topic there is. If you listen to and show interest in other people, you will always have friends. Encourage them to talk about themselves (within limits!) and remember details of what they tell you.

How
Look at someone while they are talking to you. Ask them questions that are appropriate. Use encouraging acknowledge-ments, such as ‘Yes’, or ‘I think I know what you mean’. All of this is useless if you’re not really listening and don’t remember what has been said to you.

5. Remember people’s names
Why To every person their name is special. Forget it, and it’s like saying to the person they’re not important. Remembering someone’s name gets the message across that they made an impression on you. This will make them feel good. But it is better to say nothing at all than to get the name wrong.

How
Use clever tactics here, such as word associations. Write down the important names in your diary, especially if you are introduced to more than one person at a time.

6. Compliment people
Why It sets off the social interaction on a positive note and makes the person to whom you are speaking feel good about themselves.

How
Choose something you really like, such as their earrings or jersey or shoes, and say so. Be specific in your compliments. ‘Nice jersey’ won’t do it. Say something like ‘I really like the colour of your jersey’. That creates an opportunity for conversation. Mean what you say though, as people can pick up insincerity. Rather say nothing than lie.

7. Be approachable
Why All social interactions with strangers are stressful. We don’t know them and we don’t know how they’re going to react to us. If someone sends out signals of being approachable, like putting on a smile, it will put us at ease. This works both ways.

How
Think about it. If you’re walking in the street and you need to ask directions, what is it that makes you ask one person and not another? They look friendly, non-threatening and approachable. They don’t look preoccupied and harassed. You need to send out the message that contact with you is a desir-able thing. Be genuine and use humour, which is always a great ice-breaker.

USEFUL CONTACTS
Roné Gerber
rgerber@uwc.ac.za

Prof Michael Simpson
www.health24.com/experts/CyberShrink/979-984.asp