Manners can make a world of difference.

We’ve all witnessed the badly behaved seven-year-old throwing food in a restaurant, the toddler who refuses to share their toys with others or the sweet-looking child who insists on talking to their parents while they are busy having a conversation.

These may seem like minor offences, but teaching children manners is essential in preparing them for the world at large.

WHY THE BIG FUSS?
Martie Pieterse, author of Ready for Big School (Metz Press), says there’s far too much emphasis on children’s rights and promotion of individuality in contemporary society – and too little on manners. Parents often don’t know when they’re encroaching on an independent personality and when their little tot is being rude.

‘They’re simply afraid to stifle a strong personality with too much discipline,’ she says. ‘But remember that children also mimic their parents’ behaviour. Mom and dad are the primary role models and they’ll duplicate actions they witness at home in public.’ Learning to behave is a necessary part of a child’s elementary education. Society functions according to a certain set of laws and agreed-upon norms, and children who weren’t taught these at home often end up on the wrong side of the law in adulthood. ‘Therefore it’s essential as parents that we lay down the foundations for these life skills early on,’ advises Martie.

DRAW THE LINE
First of all, says Martie, boundaries must be age appropriate. ‘You cannot discipline a four- and a seven-year-old the same way. The older children are, the more you can reason with them and the more they understand,’ she explains.

In order for children to stick to rules and boundaries, they must explicitly know what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Martie advises parents to have a naughty chair where they can send a badly behaved child. ‘You can allow them to rejoin activities once they’ve calmed down and have understood that their behaviour is not acceptable.’

She gives the following advice for parents wanting to lay down the law:

• Be clear. Children will test your boundaries – they want to see how far they can push the limits. ‘It’s crucial that you maintain your composure during quarrels and stick to the rules you’ve set out.’ Martie says parents should react with self-confidence and certainty. ‘Children can be manipulating,’ she warns.
• Stay calm. When you lose your temper, you lose a little of your child’s respect.
• Be aware. There’s a difference between deliberate provocation and childish behaviour such as forgetting to feed the dog. Some errors are child appropriate and come with the perils of growing up, while others are simply a test of what the parent will and will not allow.
• Show love. After a confrontation, it’s important to assure the child of your love. Explain why the behaviour is punishable and how they can avoid it in the future. Hug and comfort them after the incident has passed as this will help foster love and trust, and build a strong bond for a healthy relationship in the future.
• Be consistent. When setting rules and boundaries, it’s extremely important to stick to them, regardless. If you allow your children to occasionally bend or break the rules, they will constantly undermine them.

THE BIG WORLD
Martie emphasises that having clear boundaries at home helps to introduce your child to the concept of rules and social norms. It’s an everyday life skill that if taught at an early age will save them from future pain.

‘It may hurt you to punish them now, and often parents feel a sense of guilt, and are worried their kids will resent them,’ she cautions, ‘but society is less forgiving to delinquent adults, and when your children are functioning, productive members of the community, they will thank you for it.’

THE BASICS

• ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ should become sentence staples early on.
• Picking up after themselves, cleaning their rooms, and hanging up their towels will foster independence and a respect for their environment. Remember, if they’re not doing it at home, they won’t do it when they’re guests at someone else’s house.
• Table manners must be taught at home too. You can’t expect kids to suddenly have good eating habits when out at a restaurant if you don’t enforce them at home.
• If you have little boys and you want to instil in them a sense of chivalrous behaviour, start by teaching them to let mommy in the door first, and so on.
• Teaching children to interact respectfully with their peers will serve them later on, when other social manners come into play.