Raising children isn’t easy. But is there a formula for perfect parenting? Liezel Joubert speaks to those in the know.

The responsibility of raising children leads many parents to question their abilities. With no parenting manual included when you give birth and with every child being a unique individual, it is a challenge to find a parenting style that works for you and your children. ‘Bringing a child into this world requires  less effort than bringing up a child in this  world. Parenting is a demanding life-long  job. A child’s view of self is essentially what  is mirrored back by significant adults in his  or her life,’ says Bea Potgieter, a clinical psychologist in Joburg.

Cape Town social worker and author of various books on children’s boundaries, Anne Cawood, agrees. ‘Children are all born with an innate temperament. Some are amenable and co-operative while others may be more challenging and determined. The way in which parents manage these temperaments is crucial to the eventual identity of their children.’

According to Bea, the way parents were raised will also have an impact on the way they bring up their children. ‘Psychologists refer to parenting style as the standard way in which parents raise their children. Parents’ understanding of what good parenting is, their socio-economic circumstances, ethnicity and culture, as well as their own psychological health and maturity, all have an impact on this style.’

Though there are many different theories regarding parenting styles, Bea says the most well known were proposed by US developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind in 1966. She proposed three parenting style prototypes: authoritative, authoritarian and permissive. This list was later expanded by researchers Maccoby & Martin to include: indulgent and neglectful.

‘These styles of parenting involve combi-nations of acceptance and responsiveness on the one hand and demand and control on the other. No one category applies to parents and unique styles may reflect a combination of all these styles,’ says Bea.

TEST YOURSELF
Use Anne’s reactions to the following scenario to determine your parenting style:
You take your 10-year-old to a mall for a holiday treat. You’re going to have a pizza at a restaurant, go to the toy shop and then see a movie. At the restaurant, you wait a long time for the order. Your child demands that you go to the toy shop first. A power struggle ensues. You…

• a) Tell the child to be quiet and sit still. If the child goes on with his/her demands, you yank the child out of the restaurant before the order arrives, take him/her to the car and, on arriving home, dish out a hiding and send him/her to his/her room. You are authoritarian.
• b) Apologise to the waitress, pay for the meal (even though you did not stay to enjoy it) and go to the toy shop. Or, possibly, ask the waitress to reserve the pizza for takeaways while you first go to the toy shop. You are indulgent.
• c) Probably won’t take the child out in the first place. If you did decide on an outing, it would be to a place of your choice, with the child being forced to go along. Or you would simply leave the child at the movie, while you get on with some shopping. You are neglectful.
• d) You tell the child that you can see that he/she is getting hungry and bored, but explain that it’s not an option to go to the toy shop first. If the child continues to nag, you give the child a choice, saying something like, ‘If you go on behaving like this, we’ll go home after our lunch’. You remain consistent and firm and get through the meal as calmly as possible. If the child continues to moan, you simply say ‘I see you have chosen to go home and not buy a toy or go to the movie’, and stick to it, no matter how furious the child becomes. You are authoritative.

‘It’s easy to see that the last style is the hardest to implement, but the most effective, and it teaches the most positive lessons,’ says Anne.

AUTHORITATIVE

• Demanding but also responsive to needs
• Balanced
• Child-centred
• High expectations of maturity
• Compliance to parental rules and directions
• Allowance of open dialogue regarding rules
• Encourages independence within limits
• Explains motives for punishment
• Punishment is measured and consistent
• Clear standards
• Monitors limits
• Allows children to develop autonomy
• Attentive to children’s needs and concerns
• Forgives and teaches

Bea says This style leads to children having a higher level of self-esteem and independence than other styles, and is therefore the most recommended approach.
Anne says These parents set firm limits and boundaries, while being sensitive to their children’s needs and feelings. They usually have positive self-esteem and show insight into their children’s developmental challenges and characteristics. Children know where they stand and also know they are allowed to have feelings – but that they need to learn to express these appropriately.

AUTHORITARIAN

• Demanding but not as responsive to needs
• Strict
• Restrictive and punitive
• High expectations of conformity and compliance
• Little open dialogue
• Exhort the child to follow their directions and to respect their work and effort
• Generally does not explain the reasoning for the rules or boundaries
• More likely to spank than discuss the problem

Bea says The child is less socially competent as the authoritarian parent generally tells the child what to do instead of allowing the child to choose by him or herself.
Anne says This style definitely has more cons than pros. It encourages rebellion, dampens individuality and stifles the child’s expression of negative feelings – not a good prognosis for the development of a healthy personality. On the pro side, however, this style is often more acceptable than the indulgent or neglectful styles, because at least there are clear, definite boundaries to fight. Children may resent the authoritarian parent, but at least they always know where they stand with them.

INDULGENT

• Responsive but not demanding
• Permissive, non-directive or lenient
• Few behavioural expectations for the child
• Nurturing, accepting, very responsive to the child’s needs and wishes
• Does not require children to regulate themselves or behave appropriately

Bea says Children may tend to be more impulsive, and as adolescents may engage more in misconduct and substance abuse. However, they’re also often emotionally secure, independent and willing to learn and accept defeat.
Anne says This style is harmful for a child’s personality develop-ment. Children receive no clear limits or rules and feel insecure and uncertain. Children brought up in this way have to find their own boundaries and will find the world outside their homes very confusing. They may also develop a false sense of their own importance, as their parents have failed to help them develop the ability to show empathy for the needs and feelings of others. On the positive side, those children who have the ability to set their own limits will have been able to express themselves without harsh repression.

NEGLECTFUL

• Neither demanding nor responsive
• Uninvolved, detached, dismissive or hands-off
• Low in warmth and control
• Generally not involved in their child’s life, are dis-engaged, undemanding, low in responsiveness, and do not set limits
• Emotionally unsupportive of their children
• Will still provide for basic needs

Bea says Children are led to believe their parents’ lives are more important than theirs. The child often withdraws emotionally from social situations, which impacts on relationships later on in life. In adolescence, they may show patterns of delinquency.
Anne says This style is potentially the most harmful. Young children need to have their needs taken care of in order to develop a sense of trust. When these needs are neglected, the child is unable to develop a healthy personality. As all other stages depend on this development of trust and resultant security, the child will be deprived emotionally. The only positive possibility, for some naturally resilient children, is that they may develop a strong sense of independence at an early age, as they need to learn to fend for themselves.