Pandering to your child’s every whim may lead to a domineering little know-it-all.

As a primary school teacher, Kirsten Richards* sees an assortment of bad behaviour from the pupils in her class.

One such case is a nine-year-old boy who bullies. He’s very disruptive during lessons, often telling other children how to do their work or reprimanding them if he’s not happy with the way they performed certain class tasks.

During break he forces one or two of his classmates to sit with him as none of his peers want to spend time with him voluntarily. Kirsten says she tries to counterbalance his strong personality in lessons but feels helpless at break time when she’s not there.

Author Martie Pieterse and counselling psychologist Leatia Stemmet look at what causes bossiness in children and what parents can do about it.

THE WHY
In her publication Ready for Big School: Martie Pieterse answers parents’ most important questions (Metz Press), Martie says children may develop bossiness for a number of reasons, including the following:

• It gives them a feeling of pleasure.
• They feel powerful and in control when bossing other children around.
• They want everything to be done the way they want it.
• They think their explanations are always right.

But, says Leatia, as with most child behaviour, one needs to explore the role family life plays. ‘[Bossiness] sometimes originates in times of crises, such as a divorce, where the child experiences diverse emotions, often resulting in a sense of not feeling in control. If not dealt with correctly, they grasp at any sense of control, which may result in acting in a bossy manner,’ she explains.

THE EFFECTS
According to Martie, a number of negative consequences can arise from bossiness. These include:

• The child not seeing another person’s good qualities.
• Not being receptive to others’ ideas because in their mind, only their ideas are the best.
• Social isolation and eventual rejection by their peers.
• The assumption that they know best and therefore not learning from their mistakes.
• Developing a habit of giving an opinion even when they have not been asked for it.

DEALING WITH IT
So what can parents do to counter-act this behaviour without knocking the child’s self-confidence?

First of all, says Leatia, make your child feel safe. Consistency and follow-through is of the utmost importance. If there are no conse-quences to their actions, they often experience a sense of fear and loss of control, which can lead to bossiness.

Before reprimanding your child, it’s important to remember that children are not consciously bossy. She says children’s behaviour is a response to their environment, therefore they need to be directed and taught how to channel their needs. She suggests encouraging them to communicate their needs, though parents should be aware that this is very rarely on a verbal level.

‘Their behaviour is the language they use to tell us how they are feeling, we just need to start listening.’

She gives some advice for parents with bossy children:

• Be in control. Don’t share all your concerns with them and make sure they know they are safe and loved. When a child is made to feel responsible in any way for the well-being of a parent or is involved in important decision-making, they may feel the need to take control.
• Be firm. If a child senses hesitancy in the parents, they may see it as a weakness and subsequently take advantage of this.
• Lay down the law. Rules, boun-daries and consequences are imperative, advises Leatia. ‘If you allow them to run free and do whatever they want, they may be led to believe they have the right to dominate.’
• Be the adult. Guide them, rather than fight them.
• Allow a child to be a child. Don’t make them feel responsible for your life.

*Name has been changed

Useful contacts

Leatia Stemmet
Counselling psychologist
leatia@jmdpsych.com
www.jmdpsych.com

Ready for Big School: Martie Pieterse answers parents’ most important questions by Martie Pieterse (Metz Press)
www.metzpress.co.za